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Brown Pages
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Let your arse do the talking!

I am calling this item Brown pages, itís a bit like Yellow pages but the colour of shit and contains shit. Itís a list of companies with ratings, that should be avoided like the plague or a dose of arse crabs.

DO not work for any of these companies under any circumstances unless youíve got a horrible virus thatís contagious and want to take to shower of cunts out, to better mankind or you need to demonstrate a show of solidarity with alkiadah by blowing yourself to bits.

Company Concorde Express - John Menzies Freight.
Heathrow Airport
Down South
(Also at Manchester Airport)
Description Run by a northern cunt with a flash car and small dick. Employed anyone based on the appearance of minimum life signs and two or more legs.
Management Rating total twats and fat pissheads
Worker Rating Great bunch of lads but too cosmopolitan.
Graft Rating Very physical. Expect your back to go west. Wanked out after 12 months.
Job Satisfaction dirty word here, Iím afraid. but great satisfaction mash things up and evaded aeroplanes with vans.
Wages/Mulia 12K plus you get to smash peoples luggage to pieces and drive round Heathrow Airport pissed.
Rating 10 total shit +
Company ISC Industrial Cleaners.
Whipcord Lane
Chester
Description The lowest paying employers in the history of mankind. Put to pasture by the minium wage or fucked off to Indian in search of cheaper labour.
Management Rating total twats + fat bitch with an arse like a rhino.
Worker Rating Good bunch of lads except Mr B.Blackburn of Slough. Nonce!
Graft Rating physical but early darts in progress like cleaning in progress but you get to go home early. Except asbestosis long trem or getting stabbed to death by a piss head.
Job Satisfaction Only if you get a kick out polished floors and looking at fat arses.
Wages/Mulia 5K a fucking wood pidgeon couldnít survive on these wages not even if it was made of clay.
Rating 10 total shit
Company Jaguar/Landrover.
Ford Complex
Speke Boulevard
Speke
Liverpool
Description Posh company thats taken on Fords old barn at speke to build fat rich bastards cars that are good to go doggin in when the wiveís getting fucked by the window cleaner. They are also given away for nothing if youríe a celeb or on the Liverpool Council back hander list.
Management Rating total twats and thick as bulls cock.
Worker Rating Some decent types but too many dope heads.
Graft Rating Not physical. Expect to have your head fucked in by bagheads talking shit. Take bog roll to work unless you want to wipe your arse along the deck, bagheads nick bog roll.
Job Satisfaction dirty word here, Iím afraid. except if you a stoner then nothing matters except your next splifh.
Wages/Mulia 11K plus cheap chong and lots street theatre. Donít apply if you have an allergy to mongs.
Rating 10 total shit +++
Company KD products.
Redwither Tower
Wrexham Industrial Estate
Wrexham
Description run by a steptoe and son look-alike without the charisma. The old man refused to consider closing the works even when a case of meningitidous broke out. He cared so much about the workforce he was willing to share it with them all.
Management Rating total twats. Fucking steptoe and son were more efficient.
Worker Rating Some decent types but too many welsh head cases.
Graft Rating Physical. Expect lung cancer long term.
Job Satisfaction In the words of Austin Powers, Oh behave!
Wages/Mulia 9K stop breathing and you can survive.
Rating 10 total shit
Company Matalan.
Warrington But applies to any Matalan
Description An empire built up by dodgy scouser, who has same respect for employees as Hitler had for Russians( subhumans ). Itís a trust thing Mr dogdy scouser.
Management Rating total twats
Worker Rating Mainly mank bastards and a few strange people, who are quite funny. Go ome, go lergion for pint and Take dog up fill for shit- The life of a Matalan worker.
Graft Rating Not physical. Expect to be brain dead after six months.
Job Satisfaction Only when you shit your pants.
Wages/Mulia 10K not worth the arse ache.
Rating 10 total shit +++
Company PolyOne Ltd.
Everite Rd
Widnes
Description Small outfit with smaller budget and large managers. Managers didnít like the idea of working long hours for 35 grand. Solution ; he could have worked short hours for 13 grand on the shop floor.
Management Rating total twats behind the scenes blah blah bullshit.
Worker Rating Very few decent types. Lots of grasses and people of low moral calibre i.e Buffalo Bill, Pat Butcher, Stemroach, flaps, Ulysses the second, arkwright and the nautilus. Weirdo warning here as well.
Graft Rating Physical. Expect asthma, skin& eye problems and wanked out back short term. Also arse problems, head fuck and weirdness.
Job Satisfaction Only if you left school with no qualifications, expect metalwork (bell end polishing banjo strings tuning and bollock groomimg)
Wages/Mulia 13K after you master the polishing technique and have avoided been harrsassed to death by the widi piss flap Ė mongalian tribe.
Rating 10 total shit
Company Vibroplant Plc.
Halebank
Widnes
(Applies to depots all over country)
Description Run by old fart who sold out to public sector when he ended shitting his pants in his big mansion. Probably had no sons because he was so tight he wouldnít part with his own spunk.
Management Rating total twats. Experts at mental torture and could have been a roll model for kraut death squads.
Worker Rating Majority decent types but one to two bell ends.
Graft Rating Not physical. Expect skin problems long term.
Job Satisfaction Only when you reduce the boss to a quivering wreck and build an engine that blows up.
Wages/Mulia 5K enough for 12 pints of lager, a ruby murray, an old brass and a gram of coke every Friday night. What more does a man need.
Rating 10 total shit
Company Vital Agency or any Employment agency in the UK.
Rat Trap House
Shithouse street
Kirby industrial estate
Skemersdale
Lancashire
(For other agencies see William Wilberforce abolition of slavery, Corn laws, 1800ís, sharpe and all that shite.)
Description not to be confused with business agenies who are just as shit but donít fuck your wages up or hold back wages for the interest scam. They just fuck other companies(the customer) over and provide useless people with crap jobs in return for a quick buck.
Management Rating total twats with flash cars and bad hair cuts.
Worker Rating Lowlife pond scum from Outer Mongolia mixed with the bell end tribe. Qualifications dope dealing and being orrible
Graft Rating Physical. Who the fucks gonna work for them long term. Short-term head fuck, growth of second arsehole and lowering of self-esteem to nil.
Job Satisfaction itís not a job so it does count. Possibly getting sacked could be counted as satisfying.
Wages/Mulia 11k if youíre lucky enough to get paid. Bachs systems donít seem to work for agenies especially at holiday times. They catch a virus called int.scam.bastardobell-end-file only found on agency networks and impossible to kill.
Rating 10 1/2 total shit
Company Subway
Sheffield
Description Victorian labour in polo shirts. If you want to see the authentic face of capitalism, go and work in a place like this. Iím surprised they didnít give us flat caps so we could touch them respectfully when our evil sandwich overseer came in.
Management Rating My favourite bit of working for Subway was when the area manager came to see the manager of our shop; they had had a cup of tea.
SHOP MANAGER: so see you then, Mr. Beadle (goes to wash up his mug).
MR. BEADLE THE AREA MANAGER: (moves to stop him and takes mug from hand) No Dave. (Gives mug to passing sandwich artist) Thatís what THEYíRE here for.
Yeah, thanks, Iím off to go and work in a Victorian cotton mill instead, safer, better labour conditions, and probably pay you more than a shilling a week.
Worker Rating mainly a load of MA students who looked like they were there to either write a melodramatic expose about the working conditions for the Observer, or kill themselves in 48 hours.
Graft Rating Scrub the toilet till I can see my fackin face in it. One of those places where you always have to look like youíre doing something. Get jaw ache from being told to smile at people and ask if they want Jalapeno peppers on their footlong. If you think eating a sandwich filled with meatballs and cheese washed down with a pint of coke is healthy fast food, then you deserve all you get.
Job Satisfaction Well, you get to be a sandwich artist. Which is pretty fucking satisfying, someone at Subway has obviously been reading about alienation from labour (know your enemy, very good). No only do you get to create a beautiful piece of sandwich, you also get to live the authentic life of an artist, starving, feeling depressed, getting to cut your appendages off (with the tomato slicer). The best satisfaction was sacking it off when I was supposed to come in for a shift, then sinking into depression as I realised I didnít have any other source of income.
Wages/Mulia Well it was supposed to be the princely sum of £3.65 an hour. Donít forget, this was 2003, so £3.65 could buy you a pound of minced steak, some dripping and a small terrace. However, I canít actually verify this, since the bastards didnít pay me when I quit after a week.
Rating -
Company Takapunas
glass collector Sheffield
Description -
Management Rating I donít remember seeing a single manager, the managers were the ones who knew how to pour a pint of pissy lager. Someone somewhere is making a lot of money out of that place, but not the Ďmanagersí I fear.
Worker Rating A load of morons who wanted to wear Diesel jeans and take a lot of coke. Talked about how much money they spent on clothes in USC.
Graft Rating Avoiding dickheads dancing to funky house shite and sweeping up the broken glass from round their feet.
Job Satisfaction Catching some coked up morons shagging in the womens bogs and telling the bouncers was probably the most fun.
Wages/Mulia Well at least this one actually paid me which is something. Think it was about £4.00 an hour, pretty good when you finished at 2 in the morning, couldnít afford a taxi back and had to avoid the muggers and the morons leaving takapunas to be sick everywhere.
Rating -
Company JJB Sports
Chester / Nationwide
Description Shower of bastards that don't have any customer service skills.people who talk the well known language of total bollocks
Management Rating run by a wanker who's got so much time on this hands he moans about staff chewing gum - total nob + bell end. couldn't manage a shit without dropping a spud on the bathroom carpet. they could possibly run a house letting agency in saltney though.
Worker Rating the workers are arseholes, don't know anyone who has worked for JJb but they've got to go on brown pages because they sold me a shit bike then tryed to tell me a mountain bike can't be used off road.
Graft Rating They don't seem to move so this can't apply. i think minus 10 know.
Job Satisfaction There must be a lot people who get satisfaction from do nothing.
Wages/Mulia minium wage probably for staff. if you're an area manager/member of the board of bastards then it's loads of dosh and the power to humiliate pie eaters and dummies.
Rating 10.1 shite
Company The Pancake Brothel, Chester
Description brilliant when the management performed one of her disappearing acts and my 16 year old self was given free reign over a pancake house. when management reappeared again......worst job ever.
Management Rating she was a 'madam'....no, really.
Worker Rating dead good, we stuck together through the 'you stole all the money' accusations after said madam had spent the days takings on crotchless thongs for her girls.
Graft Rating extremely fucking hard during the nightshift serving raw dog meat ahem tasty burgers to all the local scumbags whilst trying to ignore yells of 'ayup shes alright in there'
Job Satisfaction very satisfying having sweaty men admire my tits all day after i'd been instructed to wear a low cut top because 'its good for business'
Wages/Mulia £4.25 an hour (after my 4 pence pay rise) although the managements 'good for business' technique worked quite well on the tips front.
Rating  
Company Neil Down
Description articled clerk to the Del boy of the North. Representing the great unwashed of Widnes accused of criminal acts and helping them with their benefit claims and putting in a claim against the Council for tripping over a paving stone when coming out the pub bladdered.
Management Rating Great job if you like shmouzing the post Thatcher lumpenproletariat of the chemical industry that is otherwise called widnes (where the daffodills grow brown by the banks of the chemical substance that is called the river mersey ).
Worker Rating sole destroying monotany broken by the occasional light relief of the mentally disturbed client instructing you that he wants to sue his psychiatrist for withdrawing his pure heroin reefer. "I want to fucking go away to Scotland and sit on the top of a Mountain and their all bastards"
Graft Rating purely mental. expect to get writers cramp after the 10th Legal aid form completed in an hour
Job Satisfaction your kidding! its all about deferred gratification ( its a middle class thing )
Wages/Mulia piss poor see last entry
Rating 10 total shit?
Company COURIER SYSTEMS KENSAL GREEN NW11 THAT FUCKING LONDON
Description COURIER COMPANY BASED IN T'SMOKE LONDIUM DOWN SOUTH. WORKED ON A SYSTEM OF MY MATES GET ALL THE GOOD JOBS AND JOHNNY FOREIGNOR/NORTHERN NOBHEADS GETS SHIT ON.
Management Rating "ON THE PHONE ! ON THE PHONE ! CALLME ON THE FACKING PHONE YOU CANT!" ARE THE ONLY WORDS NEEDED TO KNOW JOIN THE MANAGEMENT TEAM.
Worker Rating RIGHT BUNCH OF WEIRDOS FROM EVERY COUNTRY AND REGION YOU CAN THINK OF. LOTTS OF AUSSIES, ITALIES AND SCOUSERS.
Graft Rating TEN HOURS A DAY RIDING ROUND THE SMOKE ON A K100 BMW MOTORBIKE.MUST BE ABLE TO DRIVE IN A STRAIGHT LINE WHILE READING AN A-Z AND OPERATING A RADIO WITHOUT RUNNING INTO THINGS. THE ABILITY TO RUN DOWN A ALLEY FOR A PISS/CRAP WITHOUT BEING SEEN IN THE LARGEST CITY IN WORLD, PROBABLY.
Job Satisfaction NONE EXCISTENT. EXCEPT IF YOU LIKE DRIVING A BMW (THAT HANDLES LIKES A PISSED UP CAMEL ON ACID) DOWN STREETS AT 90 MPH WITH A BURSTING BALDDER AND A BROWN SPUD PUSHING THROUGH YOUR UNDIES.
Wages/Mulia £300 QUID OR 3000 LIRA DEPENDING ON NATIONALITY OR 300 PINTS OF LAGER OF AUSSIE PISS HEADS
Rating 9 BIKES ARE GOOD
Company Richardson Sheffield
Description Ancient cutlery firm built, ironically, near the site of one of the Sheffield workhouses. Toilets in a Portakabin.
Management Rating The foreman was an evil an scary woman who was one of the nastiest and most miserable bastards I have ever met. She was so shockingly horrible that I would pass my day wishing something painful upon her, until the day when she was run over by a fork lift truck. I nearly shit myself, almost believing I had willed this to happen but went home almost looking forward to the next day as I knew she wouldn't be there with her miserable face and mucky gob. How wrong I was. The rotten cow turned up for work as usual sporting a full-leg cast and crutches. The bastard.
Worker Rating The 'entry test'(yes, they have standards)involved being timed to use a pen to put dots in a grid if boxes to prove how quick yet thorough you were. I passed with flying colours as the imbecile testing me was more interested in flirting with a woman sat packing knives on the next table.Workforce made up of 98% scary women and a few blokes suffering from Small Man Syndrome.
Graft Rating Job involved among other things, packing knives into boxes, cleaning the brass rivets on steak knives with a bit of rag dipped in an unknown chemical that made your teeth go numb and fixing plastic handles onto knives.This involved putting the blade into a metal pot which was wired up to the mains until it was hot enough to push into a plastic handle, catching a nice little shock of a couple of hundred volts in the process.
Job Satisfaction Soul destroying and a bit dangerous. The highlight of my time there was the once a week priveledge of having to sweep the whole of the factory floor for the whole day while being constantly told to 'FUCKIN SHIFT WILL YER' Happy days.
Wages/Mulia £80 a week.
Rating Off the scale
Company Peters Thompson, Chesterfield
Description PT is the place where careers go to die. Full of contradictions, such as a rigourous health and safety policy, which is let down by the employment of uberbabes on reception, which greatly endanger the health and safety of any male member of staff's pants.
Management Rating The managers couldn't manage a second helping of dinner.
Worker Rating Either oily bonk-wits, who got all the plumb jobs by fulfilling the chief engineer's wish to have staff puff his daddy (the righteous non-falationic man is left putting 3000 letters into envelopes telling people they're getting a motorway built through their front garden) Or late middle age men with serious throat problems that make deafening throat clearing noises whilst showering you with an incessant stream of phlegm. Too bad BHS doesn't sell wipe down work shirts.
Graft Rating Due to pioneering levels of mismanagment, graft ranges from so slow and boring staff tearfully plead for work, to so hectic that folks have to work evenings and weekends until a mental breakdown comes as a merciful release.
Job Satisfaction The only satisfaction I got was handing in my notice, and bravely having a major rant on an anonomous feedback form.
Wages/Mulia A frankly insulting £24,500.
Rating 10
Company Husco Runcorn
Description Make valves for tractors etc to help farmers churn up every inch of the planets surface. Founded by some redneck in jerk water USA but who lately realized that cheap labour out east is the way forward just like every other multi-national blood sucker.Lets make some iron boys, who does this fucker think he is that guy of American chopper .foreigh investment blame maggie thatcher for this shit.
Management Rating This is absolutely the worst run outfit I have ever seen, the Muppets on crack could run the show better, the people in charge are totally incompetent. Jobs for the boys, same old story drinking partners and mates get best jobs. If you can work here for five or more years without going loopy then you deserve The Victoria Cross or youíve had your brain extracted by aliens or Americans. The People in charge UK end, donít seem to have a fucking clue and the American owners donít seem to give a toss their looking east for bigger bucks and company trips to Indian to fuck behind their wifeís back.
Worker Rating weirdo Runcorn types and even weirdier widi. No qualifications needed. Expected to pass some total bullshit test about the effects of firing bullets on the moon - must be run by aliens
Graft Rating Hereís a nice simile to compare working at husco. If you have ever watched Schindlers list - then the scene were the nazi prison boss asks the one arm Jewish prisoner to build him a hinge and then pulls a watch out and times him - thatís what its like working at Husco. If donít do the quota required you get the bullet. A computer times everything you do if you want a shit hold the fucker in till break because itís not productive.
Job Satisfaction Job satisfaction - does apply unless youíre a Cyberdine T101 robot or are so scared of being on the dole youíll do anything. Must like hydraulic oil preferably be able to drink it and live in it.
Wages/Mulia - just a nose in front of minimum wage. But shit shift allowance plus no staff grade so if you go sickĒ pray its terminalĒ that way you can leave the state to sort out all your unpaid bills while youíre surfing with the devil on the lake fire in hell.
Rating 9.999999 total shit
Company Soon to be 'under new management' George IV Inn
Eskdale
Cumbria CA19 1TS
Description In the heart of the lakes, in glorious countryside, a little inn nestles under the shoulders of the hills. Just don't make the mistake of going in to buy a drink. IT'S JUST FOR LOOKING AT, OK?
Management Rating Inarticulate semi sentient being.
Worker Rating The cast of 'Deliverance'.
Graft Rating Having to hoist fat arse off the chair to deal with complaints, and consequently missing crucial Kilmarnock-Dumbarton results. Data entry on internet review sites claiming anonymously ' I don't understand what all these people are on about, it really is a super pub!' Nice try.
Job Satisfaction Getting to bang the confused mail order bride/daughter/jobsworth behind the bar and claiming it's part of the job description?
Wages/Mulia About 4 quid a week, generated by exorbitant mark up on soda water and flogging tap water to heat stricken pensioners.
Rating About 3 total shit, rising to 10 when realises the bullnecked aggro twat approach doesn't play well in the job centre.
Company HALTON EMPLOYMENT PROGRAM OR SHEFFIELD EMPLOYMENT PROGRAM ETC......
Description INDEPENDENT BODY SETUP BY LOCAL COUNCIL TO HELP -THE DEAD OLD,THE DEAD THICK AND THE DEAD FUCKED IN THE HEAD TO GET BACK TO WORK - TO STOP THE BASTARDS SPONGEING OF THE STATE.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE:
IF YOU SHOULD EXCEPT THE MISSION, THEN YOUR MISSION IS TO GET ALL DOLE SCUM BACK TO WORK.
Management Rating DON'T KNOW I THINK THEY'RE AUTONOMOUSLY RUN. THE GOVERNMENT SIGNS ALL THE CHECKS AND THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. THEY LIKE THROWING MONEY AWAY BECAUSE THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK, THEN WHEN THEY GET KICKED OUT, SOME OTHER BASTARDS CAN WASTE IT.
Worker Rating IT'S EVERY TWAT WITH A DEGREE WHO LOVES THEMSELVES. MUST BE ABLE TO CONFUSE DOLE SCUM BY TALKING SHIT.
Graft Rating NO GRAFT INVOLVED UNLESS SOME DOLE SCUM HITS CRITICAL MASS
Job Satisfaction MUST ENDEAVOR TO PERSEVERE WITH DOLE SCUM.
Wages/Mulia UNAVAILABLE
Rating 10 total shit?
Company kiffy's extreme hardware store for the blind and short sighted
Description maintaining many of our fine stock, mopping mankey as fuck floors at the end of every god-forsaken day. dealing with our blind as a fucking bat customers who we usually sell a dead pigeon to anyway.
Management Rating something about the management here makes me feel like taking every hair off my body and ramm it all down their troat, but generally a good bunch
Worker Rating well.. dosey ass fucking bastards who sit on their arse all day and mock the blind, what more is there to say.. we love bagels and donuts
Graft Rating not too much grafting here, except when we get helga the 89 year old horny granny who likes to pop round every week or so.. you will know what i mean when your week comes
Job Satisfaction if you discriminate against the blind, old or short sighted, u will have a great fucking time here. if not.. fuck off
Wages/Mulia £5.50 an hour.. dependin on duties, extra £1 an hour if you are mean to the gingers
Rating off the rictor scale 9.205
Name Gaswank
Company Electron
Description Ex family run company taken over by Noddy Holders halfwit brother - ywas no the score! spray parts for jag & Land rover gas guzzerling motors.
Management Rating sorry there shit! I hate Myself for this because the old man gave me an excellent reference. I'm a cunt.If I was aboss i'd be the biggest tosser on the planet. They did get a load a money of HEP for taking me though. Then shafted me the wrong one, when I went on holiday by not paying me any holiday pay
Worker Rating pissheads, potheads and deadheads.You're better of on the dole than working in an industry thats killin the planet.
Graft Rating hard work for minimum wage. Muppet work for the muppet army.
Job Satisfaction zero
Wages/Mulia shafted by Uk government
Rating 10 total shit?

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