2007 Floods

Special Flood Report

Floods are sweeping the country, bringing traffic to a standstill, destroying people’s homes and lives irrevocably. Already important questions are being asked. Why wasn’t more done to prevent flooding? What caused these floods? Who or what is responsible for this catastrophe?

Floods explained

rain falling on houses

What are the causes behind these latest floods, and why are these particular ones so severe? Lord Emerson, Emeritus Professor of Geography at the University of St. Andrews explains. ‘The causes of flooding is very complex. However, in layman’s terms, flooding is caused when it rains a lot. If it rains a lot, a lot of water is on the ground. If it keeps raining for a long time, there is quite a lot of water. This is called a flood, and this is what comes in your house and wrecks your telly.’

flooded house

God’s Only Mistake

Many people are questioning why the government hasn’t done more. Nigel Lake, the Liberal Democrat’s environment spokesman places the blame squarely at the feet of the leaders of the two major political parties. Lake complained, ‘we live in Britain, not Bangladesh. Surely, as a first world country, We should have adequate control over the weather.’

Both the new Prime Minister Gordon Brown, and the Conservative leader David Cameron appear to have been caught unawares by the floods. A battle between the two leaders to try to win back the confidence of voters has seen both issue new environmental flood policies.

Gordon Brown as Prime minister has been responsible for the cleanup operation, which has in itself attracted controversy. Many were outraged when people without insurance were given aid. ‘I think it’s disgusting’ said Mr. Dieck, 63 from Worcester. ‘People who have been irresponsible enough not to pay for housing insurance should be forced to live in river silt for the next 40 years as punishment from God.’ Mrs. Florina agrees. ‘People who don’t pay insurance premiums aren’t proper members of society. They let the side down. I propose that anyone without household contents insurance should have their heads stuck on poles outside the town gates, and their torsos should be used for river defenses.’

David Cameron meanwhile has come up with inventive policies that he hopes will trump Brown in future elections. These include:

  • Turning the London Eye into a giant prayer wheel to ask for divine mercy
  • Inventing a giant weather controlling dome
  • Writing a letter advertising for a perfect weather nanny and posting it up the chimney

In honour of the Great Flood of England 2007, a date that shall surely be remembered in curriculum history textbooks for years to come, existentialist writer Albert Camus has dragged his shattered corpse out of the ground to pen this special commemorative story.