where's he gone,

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This is what it's all about. It's fuckin poetry. Hey mate ! That's a psychedelic helmet? 

The Cast:
small medium big Moby scooter

Everything you need to know about bikes.

Crash !

Bikes can be classified into three categories Small, medium and big.


These bikes are for young people learning to ride and old coffin dodgers who can't hack the speed buzz anymore. Two other groups that can be seen on the highways, causing major traffic jams on their small capacity machines are butch women(carpet munchers) and fucking commuters. One exception to rule is 'Sexy XJ Roz' she being one of few women on the planet able handle "that big Iron thing, that's all power" and she only rode a small bike until she passed her test. Then she went out and bought a beast, I think she might have been Atalanta(One of the 50 Argonauts and the only female) reincarnated.

Small bikes are usually very uncomfortable, noisy and handle like a mobility scooter with a chain smoking, MacDonalds bloater on board. Speed and fuel consumption figures quoted by the manufactures of these machines are achieved with a seven stone midget riding(post morning shit)and the bikes brakes disconnected. Either male or female midget test riders are used but never the two as they immediately start shagging when in the same vicinity. Hit a cross wind on a small bike in heavy traffic and you'll most likely end up chewing the radiator of E.R.F articulated wagon or be having your eyes balls removed from the front grill by a member of the fire brigade. A mate of mine on his Kawasaki ZXR750H2 passed me while I was on my sisters Honda melody, he was doing about 120mph plus and turbulence nearly caused the Honda melody to take-off.
A bit of Die Hard2 dialogue
Horrible drug baron : Falcon calling Eagles Nest I am losing altitude my controls are out ! I must land at the nearest available runaway, over !

Horrible terrorist : Falcon this is Eagles Nest, we hear you loud and clear and have you on the  glide scope steady at 800 ft. Your looking good buddy for an approach on runway one niner, over.
Horrible drug baron : Thank you compadraye but if you could show the runway lights as well, I would be mucho gracious . 
I'm not proud, If I need transport to get to work I'll ride anything with only two exceptions : a CZ or MZ motorcycle from the eighties. I once had a small bike......end of conversation, change the subject it's just too embarrassing to think about it. 


Here we have the boy racer category who have too money and no road sense. They think it's a track day every Sunday and usually loose their license or return to 'Fucking car world' before they reach 'Bruce's play your cards right' and we all know "what fucking points make -  prizes, No disqualification !". My mate was up before 'The Beak' a few years ago and when he heard how long his ban was he shouted out "How fucking long" and 'The Beak' replied by adding another six months to his ban. Still an eighteen month ban was nothing compared to what the same Beak got a year later for kiddy fiddling. My mate use to say 'what goes around comes around'.

You may see the scrap remains of their £7000 grand motorcycle being pulled from a ditch by breakdown truck on any country road at the weekend. The fifteen mile tail back of traffic is not helped by the twenty five police cars and five ambulances needed to rubber neck or rubber stamp the accident.One of their favorite haunts was the Cat & Fiddle just outside Macclesfield on the Buxton road. Every Sunday hundreds of them meet, to see if they can write off their expensive motorcycles chasing some
accountant fuckwit in a Porsche. 'The Old Bill' have now put a stop to it by fitting average speed/distance cameras(must have cost a fortune).        

I'm not into wearing full body armour racing suits and if I was, I haven't had the figure for it since turning 40. Armour only works when sliding down an empty race track on to a soft grassy verge, it won't provide any protection from a pissed up house wife driving the kids home from school in the two tonne Range rover with bull bars or a bin wagon with fault hydraulics due to council cut backs.
It's an astonishing fact, I never knew it until I read the small print but 70% of the poll/Council tax goes on educating the teenage fuckwits of this England. Why do they fucking bother? They don't need ten GSCE's to put labels on tins and stack shelves.          

Exception to the rule, XJ sexy Roz
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That's right mate ! when you can ride a bike, I mean really big bike that's all power, that's when you're someone. Big bikes are the dogs bollocks and are only ridden by people who still get a kick out of motorcycling. Fuck the cost of petrol and Fuck the greenhouse effect. Let the fucking planet burn to pieces as long as I'm on a fucking big bike hitting 120 mph plus who gives a shit about the next generation of arseholes. Take a walk around any one of the thousands of slum council estates in this fucking shit country and you'll totally agree with me, their past redemption Satan marked them up with a pentagon as soon as they fell from the fucking egg laying benefit claiming slags hole.

This is just my personal bad opinion, I have become very bitter and twisted ever since that women (Witchhaven 666) from Ebay gave me bad feedback and cursed me to a life of celibacy. Fuck her I know when I go there's gonna be a fucking big motorcycle, that fly's waiting for me in heaven or hell.  

Her's some uninteresting facts about different sized motorcycles

MPG 55
MPG 68
MPG 45
MPG 58
MPG 50
MPG 120
MPG 54
MPG 65
MPG 48

 Not this fuckin time,Don.

No Don not this time, No! No No no fucking way

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Intro styles.
Bikes come in many different styles but I'm only going to mention three important ones. The rest suck and are : off road Trial, Trail a road version of Trial, Roadster, Trike, Sidecar combi, Green Laner, Retro, Moped and Streetfighter.
Streetfighters are usually sports bikes that have been trashed in an accident. The fairing is scrapped and handlebars are removed and replaced with a pair of flat bars to give a retro look. Add a bit of chrome and a few custom bits, then try to sell it to some fucking idiot who knows fuck all about bikes. Maybe they call them streetfighters because they been fucked and now there back on the streets.  


I quite fancy a massive chopper with six inch overs, sissy bars and rigid rear end. It's something to show off at the weekend cruising
around the seaside resorts. There's a certain look about a proper stretched chopper that some of the retro bikes don't seem to be able to replicate. I use to watch that American chopper all the time, it was hit or miss with these guys. Sometimes they would design a real good looking chop and then other times they make a load shit. The best thing about the whole show was the engineering skills of Vinnie and artwork by the Nubsy and that ginger guy Rick.  

Super Sports

Most of the modern day sports bikes look far too light and narrow. The bike shape has gone like the pointed end of a sharpened pencil where as ten years ago sports bikes had a more rounder look. I prefer The older look, it's give the machine depth and an appearance of power. It's all about weight mate, new sports bike are about 40% plastic, Compare this to a ninety's or eighty's super sports model which would have around 5% plastic and weighed twice as much. This massive decrease in weight has not dramatically increased top speed or acceleration that much. What has changed drastically is braking power, new sports bikes stop on a penny and handle ten times better  than they did ten or twenty years ago.           


The distinction between sports and tourer has drifted further apart over recent years. Twenty years ago most powerful superbikes were always considered to be capable of racing and touring. You could race down any high street or tour Germany on the autobahn and the bike would be just happy doing either. Today's bikes are more adapted to doing either one thing or the other but not really suitable to do both. An example would be a Suzuki Gsxr1000 or Yamaha R1 great on the track, brill flying down the high street but absolutely shit at touring half way round Europe. The same could be said for the tourers like Honda's Pan Euro and most BMW's great touring all over Europe but crap flying down the High street on a Saturday with every O.A.P doing ten point turns in the middle of the road.
Sorry officer! I was only doing a three point turn in the middle of the High Street, quite legal and I've been driving without an accident for sixty years, when out of no where came this massive motorcycle doing 200mph. I better take the wife home, I think she's just pissed her self. One minute Sir can you read that license plate on that yellow car 50 yards away, "What yellow car" "Right you fucking old twat you're nicked". But what's the charge officer" Don't try and  grow a brain you mean old  bastard, you're going down on a  Section 96. The other type of pensioner is the one who is permanently pissed and daily drives home from the pub. They have no respect for law and order because death has been hanging round waiting for them to pop their clogs for the last ten years. When they pull out of the pub car park and straight onto the High Street looking at the dash, they either don't notice the massive bike thundering down or don't care. Crash ! when finally the old bill arrive and "ask is this car licensed, sir?" the old bastard replies "Yes what do you want to drink officer" "have you been drinking,sir"  "yes ! I've had a fuckin gallon, what's that bike doing on the floor".                           

fucking blind as a bat
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Two & four stroke Engines how they work.

Both burn fuel and have a system for delivering and igniting fuel in a combustion chamber. It's cycles of operation and engine design that are different in both systems.

Two stroke

It works on the principle that for every two strokes the piston makes in one revolution of the crankshaft, a cycle of operation is achieved . This operation is the sucking in of fuel mixture, compression of mixture, power pulse and exhaust of gases. 

As the piston travels down the cylinder on the power stroke, immediately following the ignition of fuel. the fresh mixture under the piston is transfer via a port to the top of the cylinder. There is some wastage as the fresh fuel mixture enter the combustion chamber and when the piston uncovers the exhaust port releasing gases. When the piston reaches the end of it's travel and starts to rise up the cylinder another fuel mixture is sucked in under vacuum to the space below the piston in a sealed crankcase.The piston continues up the cylinder compressing the fresh transferred mixture until it reaches Top Dead Center were it ignited by the spark plug and the cycle repeats.  

four stroke
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four stroke

It works on the principle that for every four strokes the piston makes in two revolutions of the crankshaft, a cycle of operation is achieved . This operation is the sucking in of fuel mixture, compression of mixture, power pulse and exhaust of gases.

My old man was a fitter and use to explain the four stoke cycle using four simple words Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow.
His explanation was spot on : If we start on the first revolution of the crankshaft with the Piston moving down the cylinder sucking(Suck) in fresh mixture through an inlet valve.
As the crankshaft rotates and starts to rise up the cylinder again it compresses the fuel mixture(Squeeze). 
At Top dead Center the spark plug fires(Bang) and the piston is pushed down the cylinder and we are now starting the second revolution of the crankshaft.
When the power stroke has pushed the piston all the way down the cylinder, the piston starts to rise again and the exhaust valve opens to push out the burnt gases(Blow). As both inlet and exhaust valve only open once through out this complete operation a ratio of 2: 1 is needed between crankshaft and camshaft. This why camshaft gears are usually twice the size of the gear on the crankshaft. The crankshaft must turn twice for every one revolution of the camshaft.

This is the way it's works mate. Four stroke engines have timing marks on the camshaft and crankshaft which are made during production. These marks line up with ones on engine casing.To set valve timing You must align the marks, then find the compression stroke( No1 cyl ) and attach the chain or belt.  Don't fit the chain 180 degrees out like Chris Mud(F1 super mechanic) did on  Dave's Honda 400 four or you'll end spending five hours trying to start your bike.        

Two and four stroke engineering.

The throws on the crankshaft are fucked up

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