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Rating 1 = Cat's flaps Rating 10 = Dog's nuts

 Suzuki b120  Honda SS50

“Suzuki B120 In the beginning back in 1978”

This was my very first bike, I bought it for 120 from some youngish looking bloke in Warrington. I went with the 'Old Man' to view it and he spent the whole time trying to haggle the price down by dissing the bike. We eventually agreed on a price and I think we put it in the back of the 'Old Man's' van because I couldn't ride it home because I had no insurance. When I got insurance the 'Old Man' insisted I practice down at Vic Carr's farm before I ventured out onto the roads. It wasn't bad for a starter bike but it kept over- heating because the 'Old Man' had altered the fuel/air mixture because he said it was running too rich. He liked to mess about with fuel systems on vehicles because every car he had stunk of petrol due to his tinkering. I didn't like the styling of the bike it was very commuter looking and not very sporty. I realised how slow it was when I went out with a gang of lads from Murdishaw on a bike ride. They all had much faster bikes than me and just burnt off, leaving me behind. I can't remember it being good at anything; it was uncomfortable, slow and dull looking.The only positive thing I can say was that it was better than a "Nifty fifty",which was what most bikers started on. The picture on right is Baz on his mein Honda SS50 herr lieframilch, which was only slightly slower than my B120.

B120 color blue cost 120 date 1978 Rating 2

Honda CB250 G5

“Honda CB250 G5 Super cool Nick and the sports car chick”

I bought this from L&AB in Widnes for 395 pounds. I always wanted one because one of the lads from the Murdishaw gang had one. His name was Nick and he always wore a wrangler jacket, not leathers like other bikers. He loved chasing sports cars on his bike, especially if the driver was female and he looked dead cool as he flew up the road burning after them. The Honda G5 was a large looking bike for a 250. It had the 750 cool styling and good performance, as well as being very comfortable two up. I passed my motorcycle driving test on this baby in the days when instructors followed you around on foot.The instructor advised me to wait a little before venturing out on to the motorway. It was a great feeling of freedom getting rid of the L plates and that night I was blasting down the motorway two-up to the pub. Pissed up driving here I come! I had to sell the G5 after about 12 months because it started burning oil and would have cost too much to fix,"needs a new engine" according to the 'Old man'. Maybe If I had put good quality engine oil in it, instead of the shit oil he pinched from Vibroplant it might have lasted a bit longer. Liquid engineering something the 'Old man' couldn't grasp - It's all the same comes out the same barrel, bollocks!

Honda CB250G5 color blue cost 395 date 1979 Rating 7

Suzuki Gt250c

“Suzuki GT250c It's nothing like a Triumph - but I'm here to ride a bone shaker ”

Another great sale for L&AB and another holiday in Spain for their dodgy salesman. This bike cost me 300 cash plus 300 part-exchange for my Honda G5 which they sold me. I bought the GT because I liked the bright red colour and fancy white stripes,'god I sound like a stupid tart'. It was the worse financial deal i've ever made with bikes, for an extra 150 I could have bought a brand new X7. It rode well at first but later kept constantly breaking down. I remember going round to my girlfriend's house 'Joy the bike' on it and her stepfather asking me whether it was a Triumph, I thought he was a bit thick because it had Suzuki wrote across the tank in massive letters. She was supposedly ill in bed but I think it was a ploy to get rid of me. Time a new boyfriend(fuckin mick) and a cock change. I also remember being at the traffic lights on the Brow chasing Brian and Jonesy on their FS1E's (50cc Yamaha) and the bloody thing blew the engine costing a fortune. I sold it for 15 to one of Brian's mates; it was completely knackered by then, though.

Suzuki GT250c color red cost 600 date 1980 Rating 4



Cossack Voskhod 175

“Cossack Voskhod 175 riding this is more scarry than Russian roulette”

Old fashioned Triumph looking heavy twin two stroke with no power, bad brakes and chronic handling - which can only be described using the metaphor handled like "a pissed up camel". This was the 'Old Man's' "pride and joy". I don't know where he bought it from? or why? or what ever happened to it? I only remember borrowing it from him when I worked at Vibroplant and running into a set of portable traffic lights on the way to work. The bike went down the road side-ways as soon as I touch the brakes and subsequently the tank and headlamp was trashed. I offered to pay for the damage but he wouldn't have it. I do remember he had it when he lived at Chester working at the gas board because he kept it in the outside shed. Is it still there? who knows? Was it a symbolic representation of his loyalty to communism along with that horrible camaflague Lada that the IRA ended up with alledgely, again who knows.The picure above shows Mark(aka Fatlad) demonstrating a typical Steve McQueen pose with the Voskod.

The 'Old Man's' "pride & joy" color brown cost Unknown maybe two rubels or 100 pork pies date 1982 Rating 3

 Suzuki GT250 X7

“Suzuki GT250 X7 Ton up kids always end up in the cemetery ”

I bought this bike from Brian Blackburn for 250. I think he bought it for 400 from somewhere in Manchester. It was looking a bit tired by the time I got it, but I remember I was always pulling wheelies on it because it had such a good power to weight ratio. I pulled one outside Vibroplant and twisted my ankle when the bike hit the deck. They had to send me home in a works van and Mr lack took me to Warrington hospital where I was stripped of my dignity and man-handled by two middle aged nurses. The X7 was quite fast and sporty looking but its best point was the custom paint job which depicted a spooky looking church in a cemetery. Wherever I went people passing would stop and admire the paintwork, it was a bit of a crowd pleaser... click here to see fatman motorcycle mechanic at work bike strip

Suzuki X7 color spooky Custom paint cost 250 date 1982 Rating 7




Kawasaki Z440H

“Kawasaki Z440H ZZZZZboringzzzzz shit slow plodder”

The old man helped me buy this bike because I didn't have enough cash because I was working for shit money at Runcorn shopping city. The women selling it wanted 550 for it. It had belonged to her husband who had recently died in freak accident. The bike had been left in the garage gathering dust. I went up to look at it with the 'Old Man', it was just around the corner from where our Chrissie was living in Buckley at the time. It was so embarrassing, this poor young women trying to get a decent price for her dead husbands 'pride and joy' while the 'Old Man' slagged the bike off to get the price dropped . She agreed on a price of 450 and we went back the following night with the cash and I rode it home. It was a nice looking comfortable bike but was very slow. I only kept it for about a year because it got so boring driving it.

Kawasaki Z440H color brown cost 450 date 1984 Rating 4

Caution Mouseover below for a yamaha comment

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 xj

“Yamaha XJ650 Sexy Spitfire Ros, I facking loved it! ”

I bought a Xj650 because I had heard Ros (an old flame) had one. I loved this bike from the very first moment I saw it in the kawasaki showroom in Liverpool. It too was a bit like Ros. At the dealers I asked if he would part exchange for my Z440 but he didn't seemed to be interested because he kept saying " Z440 ! It's not a 250 and it's not a 500" what is it? In the end I managed to swing the deal with paying the difference in cash he gave 400 part exchange and I paid 350 cash. Brian rode it back to Runcorn for me because I wasn't insured, he said it was the business and ' it was'. It had lovely lines and handled well - again just like Ros. It was comfortable and went like a rocket. When I went back home to Chester, the 'Old Man' nearly had a heart attack. He said "you won't be happy until you've got a spitfire engine in a bike frame". It had a quarter fairing that looked dead smart and I fitted an Alpha four into one exhaust on it. It looked and sounded like the dogs bollocks. I destroyed it, despatch riding on it in London and sold it when I come home for buttons.

Yamaha XJ650 color silver cost 750 date 1985 Rating 9

Honda CBX 550

“Honda CBX550F Very freezing brave heart in Jockland ”

I bought this from a guy in Widnes for 575 when I started work at scherings. It was a nice looking, comfortable, fast medium sized bike with funny looking inboard disks. I went on my honeymoon on this bike to Scotland in November. The weather was freezing and horrible - a bit like the person I went with. I sold it for nearly the same price as I bought it, so I reckon it was a solid investment considering I was earning a packet at scherings. When I advertised this bike in the Auto Trader some twat come to view it and took it on an hour long test ride. Luckily for me he returned making some excuse about getting lost, I personally think he was just an arsehole who went round getting free rides on peoples bikes. I was daft enough to let him ride off on my bike without checking his insurance or licence but I'm a proper biker and expect fellow bikers to respect one another.

Honda CBX 550 color red 575 date 1987 Rating 7

 Yamaha LC 350

“Yamaha LC350 Black liquid two Stroke rocket”

another one from Brian Blackburn for 175, it was the bike he had his "accident" on. I repaired it, without it costing me a fortune and it went like a rocket and handled well. I had the top end rebuilt at Grampian motors (Bootle) and took it out for a spin. At ninety miles an hour the thing locked up and left half the back tyre on the expressway. Luckily for me, it freed up and I didn't have any more problems with it. The only bad point was the paintwork it was a horrible matt black without decals.LC's are worth about 3-5 grand now on e-bay, mint condition. .

LC 350 color black cost 175 date 1990 Rating 7






Suzuki Gs1000S

“Suzuki GS1000S Massive 70's superbike - jam butty car eater ”

I always wanted a GS thou after riding Brian's back from Widnes one night. We got a chase of a jam butty car over Runcorn bridge but left him for dead after a ton.The acceleration was like a SS18 missle and all I could see in the mirrors was a tiny cop car getting smaller. My GS thou came from a bike shop in west bank (Widnes) for 1100 they gave me 500 - part exchange for my 350 LC plus I paid 600 cash. It was a very heavy fast bike but I had strip the gearbox down because second gear went. The 'Old Man' helped me strip the gearbox down because it got a bit complicated. I wrote it off on the Chester southerly bypass, when a pair young lads tail ended me and then tried to decapitate me. It was sold for scrap and I got pissed on the money in the Windmill pub.

Suzuki GS1000S color blue cost 1100 date 1991 Rating 8

Suzuki GXSR750H

“Suzuki GSXR750R M62 Rocket flashed by”

Brian's boss in London sold me this for 1850. It was very fast, Not the best handling bike but all right in a straight line. It wasn't a comfortable bike neither but I did like the styling and power grin factor. I was hammering down the M62 coming home from work on this mother. When some tit in the outside lane refused to move over, after fashing him for about ten minutes he eventually got the message. When I stopped at the traffic lights by the 'Rocket pub' he pulled up beside me and wound his window down and started harping on about being a copper but the lights changed and I blasted off. All coppers are bastards, Now do you understand Nik. The gsxer got nicked by some horrible toe rag from birkenhead,is there any other kind ? He trashed it and I cashed in on the insurance, they tried to shaft me but after a massive arguement on the phone they coughed up.

Suzuki GSXR750R color Blue/white cost 1800 date 1993 Rating 9




Yamaha FZ 750E

“Yahama FZ750E Scrapped for a couple of coppers”

I bought this bike from a motorcycle dealer in Preston for 2500. It had the coolest paint job I had ever seen and was super quick, comfortable and reliable. I took it for a test drive and paid cash that day and rode it away. It was a beautiful bike and I wrote it off going to college, one frosty November morning. I braked, hit ice and ended up in the back of a transit van and then in hospital. I had a pop at the copper who came to scene of the accident before being transported off in the back of an ambulance. It was sold for scrap absolute total disaster .

Yahama FZ750E color custom paint 2500 date 1995 Rating 9



Suzuki GSX750F

“Suzuki GSX750F Diamond bike except the Bleedin brakes ”

I went to Rochdale Suzuki to pick up this bike, it cost 2850 but it was immaculate. I went to college on it all summer and then sent off to London on it. It was very comfortable and had nice styling - I thought but it's not everyone's cup of tea. It was fast and very reliable but not quite as hot as the Gixser's (GSXR'S). I made the mistake of changing the brake fluid and then couldn't get any pressure on the lever. So I drove it to the nearest Suzuki dealers with no front brake, luckily they sorted it with some kind of vaccum bleeder. I sold it for 2400 when I lived in London and bought a shit car.

Suzuki GSX750F color red and white 2850 date 1996 Rating 8

 Yamaha FZR1000exup

“Yamaha FZR1000 Not quite H2O but a scream ”

I went to view this bike with Motty at perivale London. I paid a deposit and later went back with Tony to pay the full amount. It was very fast, reasonably comfortable. I painted the belly pan with allsort's of witches and Halloween stuff because the paint looked a bit tired. It had one problem it would overheat in traffic jams because the electric fan didn't kick in. I sold it when I packed my job in at the mill to buy a workhorse to despatch on.

FZR1000 color white cost 1999 date 1998 Rating 9





Kawasaki GPX600

“Kawasaki GPX600 It's a bit of a hedgehog - Watch out for the pegs ”

I bought this bike from some garage in a little village, south London for 900. It was immaculate when I got it but I used it to despatch on and seized up the gearbox costing me 500 to repair it. It was fast, comfortable and reliable and I despatched on it for about eight months.Brian sometimes borrowed it to nip over to the pikey caravan park to see a minger. I swapped it for Brian's TV /video combi when I left London because the MOT had ran out and it needed lots of work done on it.

Kawasaki GPX600 color red cost 900 date 1999 Rating 8

Honda CBR900R

“Honda CBR900R Fastest milkman in the West ”

I bought this from a milkman in Middlewich because I was fed up being stuck in traffic driving to work.I worked in Widnes at the time and the bike was dogs for getting through the traffic on Runcorn bridge - “Fuck off Greg Short you ginger twatted tit, you can't catch a Fireblade.” It cost me 1800. It was mega fast with great handling but was uncomfortable to drive over long distances. I lived in a flat on castlefields(crackheadfields) and it was only a matter of time before it got nicked. You can view this bike in all its Halloween glory on the Nesthole website. I sent the photo on the left to the American chopper competition but only won a discovery channel cap. I sold the blade to some nice chap from mank-land because I was worried to death that some baghead would nick it.

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING-CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR POCKET
A word of warning to any bikers who buy gear from J & S Motorcyles , look after your receipt or buy it on a credit card. These guy's don't play fair. I bought a jacket off them and it fell to pieces. They made all sorts of crappy excuses like "it might have been bought secondhand off Ebay blah! blah! wot a wanker" It was a brand supplied only by them(arseholes) and I didn't even know what Ebay fucking woz back in 2003.I wish I had bought it off Ebay, then at least I would have got the satisfaction of slateing their feedback.Think once! think twice! before you buy from J & S.

Honda CBR900R color Black cost 1800 date 2003 Rating 9+

Suzuki Rf900R

“ Suzuki Rf900R Damson arse destroyer ”

If I was going to buy a another bike I promised myself I would buy a kawasakia zx900, but because their snapped up sharpish, I settled for my second option the Suzuki rf900. It cost me 1400. I bought this from a dealer in Telford because I was fed up trying to get members of my family to agree on a car share with me. It goes like shit off a shovel and feels a lot more comfortable than other bike I have owned .I've been without a bike for seven years and it's great to be back. Some bikers don't like the styling referring to the RF looks as 'starship enterprise' looking. This maybe so but it's no fucking moped, fatman only rides FOOKING BIG BIKES! Nicked by some horrible toe rag from Runcorn, is there any other kind? Should have bought a Tiger to keep in the shed. Then the toe rag would be dead.

I had a new chain fitted at Charlie Williams- Everything but Bikes last week and I would recommend them to any Bikers out there. I've dealt with them for years and there decent guy's.There so good I've decided to give them a Fatmans Guarantee Rating (FGR award).

Suzuki RF900R color Purple & grey cost 1400 date 2010 Rating 9

Watch this space I'm adamant that I will get a kwacker zx900 before I snuff it, even if I have to rob a bank to get the money.


CX500

“Despatch rider's favourites”

Below is a list of bikes I have ridden while despatch riding.Some were company bikes and others leashed through hire companies. The Ideal bikes for this type of work are ones with good fuel economy,comfort and most important reliability.Honda's seemed to have cracked this niche market with kawasaki/bmw coming second.



CX500

“Honda CX500 The ladybird with no wings ”

I rode a CX for about a month and it was either just a bad un or there all horrible shit slow, bad handling, unreliable pieces of shit. It was quite good on the fuel and pretty comfortable though to be honest.

I had a 'claim to fame' when riding this piece of shit. I was delivering to No 10 and the copper's wouldn't sign for the parcel so I actually got to go inside No ten (well just the reception).

Honda cx500 color Black/red cost Any more than 10 and you've been ripped off. date 1998 Rating 5

GT550

“Kawasaki GT550 Kilos or pounds It's the best”

I also rode a GT550. They were very good for despatching on. Excellent on fuel, low maintenance, comfortable and with a decent amount of speed/acceleration available.

Kawasaki GT550 color Blue/white cost 100's in cash jobs date 1998 Rating 8


NTV650

“Honda 650 V twin The Corgi's bollocks but not on horse shit ”

These bikes are the dog's bollocks when despatching. They have everything from Comfort, economy, low maintenance, and flexibility through traffic. The handling is great and if you get one with a fairing, It's luxury. I had one with a fairing and one without and difference is incredible. I mashed the fairing one up after sliding on a pile horse shit outside her majesty's gaff. Two coppers's seemed to find it highly amuseing but "I was not amused ".

Honda NTV 650 color White cost laugh but maybe a couple of coppers date 1998 Rating 9


bross

“Honda Bros 400 Nice to see you little bro”

Same as above 650 really only on a smaller scale. Less power, comfort but better fuel consumption and flexibility through traffic.

Honda Bross 400 color Black cost feels like 500 pound try lifting one into a back of 7 1/2 tonner on Portland Street W1 date 1999 Rating 8



K75

“BMW K75 For old farts who can't get wood, but love ABS(that's not Abbey Titmus) ”

I rode a BMW K75 for about 2 months while despatching in London. It was an excellent work bike especially on long runs. It was very comfortable with loads of bottom end grunt. The special thing about this bike was the ABS braking system, it's was a lifesaver. Coming up Wood Lane on wet winters day, some nobhead in a car pulled right out in front of me. Now usually you pull the brakes on so hard you're either over the handle bars or flying face down the road eating tarmac but not on this baby with abs "it does what it says on the bottle" it just steers straight and goes nowhere horrible.When I turn sixty and can't manage a hard on, I might buy one.

Maybe I'll get a belfast taxi like all the other old decrepit crocked fossiles and fuckin block off three aisles in Asda.

subliminal

BMW K750 color white cost Priceless on a wet/icy road in W12 date 1999 Rating 8+

No disrespect to Abbey Titmus she's a looker.I'd smash her back doors in, if she wasn't such a dirty slag.


K75

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