where's he gone, mate

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This is what it's all about. It's fuckin poetry.

The Cast

john's x7 spanner x7 lc 250 super nightmare
John B's X7 Spanner's X7 The RD 250LC The Honda CB250N

Flying Spanner in Wales

Crash !

One Saturday I was round at the Blackburn's and John asked me if I fancied going to Wales on the bikes. Spanner and Chris Jones was there as well and they were also up for it. I don't know were Brian was but I think he was off chasing some bit of skirt. At about 4pm we set off down the M56 to Deeside, from there picking up the A55 coast road. We stopped off at Rhyll to mess about on the fair, ending up on the dodgems. No sooner had we got seated in the dodgem car, a gang of skin heads rammed us up the arse. John went to psycho mode and we got involved with a skinhead versus bikers grudge match, exchanging verbals every time we past each other . Luckily our cars came to rest some distant from each, so a fist fight never happened.

We left the fair about 7pm and head west to Conway with the intention of a staying in a bed & breakfast. I suddenly noticed that John's riding was getting slower and slower. Spanner kept pulling over and waiting for him to catch up, moaning his head off. The reason for this reduction in speed was down to the fact that John's eye sight was shite. He was too vain to wear glasses and too macho to wear contact lens. His daylight riding was suspect but once it got dark, he either had to slow down or have a near miss every 50 yards. I asked him if he wanted me to ride and he jumped at the offer, progress to wherever suddenly moved at a greater speed. Just outside Colwyn Bay we stopped, Spanner had spotted a B&B with the lights on. The gaff was sort of positioned high up from the road with a million stairs to the front door. A bit like the stairs in the Laurel and hardy movie were there trying to deliver a piano but it keeps rolling back down to the street. It also reminded me of the Bates Motel because that's what It looked like. Spanner and Chris Jones ascended the stairs, while me and John stayed with bikes. They were gone for about five minutes and when they come back I asked them "what's happening, lads". Chris Jones was laughing his head off because when the women who had answered the door, had told Spanner she'd got no vacancies. Spanner had said "that's a pity because you not bad looking for an old bird". I think we went to the chippy had fish chips and then continued to look for a another B&B. We were just about to give up and head for home when Chris saw a sign for another B&B. This time me and Chris Jones knocked on the door. I asked the women if she had any vacancies and she said "I've only got the one double and a twin. I was just about to tell John and Spanner. When John interrupted saying "It's alright, me and Spanner will share the double - if that's alright". The women was OK about it and we were escorted in. I signed the guest book and She asked us how we wanted to pay. I said I could give her a cheque, if that was alright. I had a cheque guarantee card in those days, can't afford one now, so everything was fine. It was just as well she took a cheque because we didn't have the cash. I remember it cost about 28 and I had to wait for ages for them to pay me back. John managed to get her to make us a cup of tea and she laid on some biscuits as well. she was quite the hostess considering it was getting late and we four lads on motorbikes. After tea we were shown to our rooms and went to bed.

The Morning After Look

I'll give him extra sausage, right up his arsehole you greedy bastard

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The next day Jonesy was up at about nine O'clock and went out on Spanners bike for a blast. I went to John's and Spanner's room to see what was going on.Spanner was in the shower and John was still lying in bed. He pulled out a load of stuff from a carrier bag like shower gel and soap he'd nicked- can't take him anywhere without pinching something. Jonesy came back and we all went down to have breakfast. It was a full English with as much toast and tea as you could  eat or drink. I thought the breakfast was great but John was moaning about "not enough sausages". Some people are impossible to please but I thought considering the hour we turned up and who we were, she was a very kind women.

Any chance of a cuppa Luv !

old bird

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Shortly after breakfast we left for Colwyn Bay, heading east towards Chester. We stopped for petrol and as soon as we joined the traffic Spanner shot off chasing two bikes, filtering down outside, John followed but at a slower speed due to his shit eye sight.

I not really sure what happening but as we turned a bend I got a glimpse of a bike in front of us flying mid air over a small wall into a car park. At that moment I thought It was one of the other bikers, Spanner was chasing. When John pulled up, only after I had told him someone had crashed, he hadn't seen it the blind bastard . I noticed all the traffic had stopped including the two bikes Spanner had been chasing (a white LC250 and a blue Superdream 250). I got off the back of the John's bike walked back to the car park and there was Spanner's bike on the deck, engine still revving, throttle stuck. Spanner was rolling around on the floor obviously in a lot of  pain and Jonesy was sitting against the wall holding his leg. John strolled up smoking a fag and sat on the wall . Some middle aged bloke was attending to spanner's injuries and he told us that his wife had driven off to phone for an ambulance. The other bikers came and sat on the wall with me and John. One of them had a very pretty girlfriend as pillion and john was trying to chat her up(no-chance).The middle aged bloke asked if anyone knew how to stop the bikes engine from revving and John jumped up.He went over to the bike and I went with him. The ignition key had snapped off in the barrel so you couldn't kill the engine - no kill switch neither on the X7. I told John if you pull the HT leads off the plugs, the engine will stop. He went over grabbed the HT lead pulled ! then jumped back three feet-shocking himself. Not to lose face in front of the tasty bird, John pulled his leather glove on and ripped off the HT leads one at a time. When the ambulance turned up, Jonesy jumped off the wall back to the floor holding his leg and they were both carted off to hospital.

the Crash 

They both went to Llandudno Hospital, Jonesy was released straight away but Spanner had a broken arm, two broken ribs and a fractured collar bone. We stayed until Spanners parents turned up and then left. Jonsey dad came for him some time in the afternoon and I can still see him walking to his old man's car blaming Spanner for being a complete tosser.

Here's a couple of Hospital jokes to finish off with 1) Young doctor visting the ward asks a ninety five year old women "how long she's been bed ridden for" and she replys "two years but I'd rather be fucked on the couch" 2)Dawn french goes to the doctors and the doctor examines her . After the examination she ask what's wrong. The doctor says I'm afraid you've got a flesh eating virus Dawn and it's terminal. well how long have I got Doc ? he says "about 40 years Dawn you fat bloater" .                          

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